Ah, the wonders of modern technology. Went to see the doctor, she prescribed me some fantastic medication, now I’m on my way to full recovery. In celebration, I have written two new articles, see below:

• Since I haven’t published a Humor article in a while, I thought that it would be a good idea. The result is a personally embarrassing story, see it here: Tales of the Metro: Watch the Feet!.
• See Basic Excel Functions - SUM, for a quick how-to on using one of the most commonly used Microsoft Excel functions, SUM.

To continue in our “Tales of the Metro” series, I thought I would share a story that is personally embarrassing on many levels.

I had just moved to DC, and had been riding the Metro for about 2 weeks. Obviously, this made me a professional Metro rider. Not only did I know the Metro system inside and out, but I could also look down my nose at those “tourists” who always got in the way of real Metro riders. How wrong was I? Let’s just say that “exponentially” doesn’t begin to cover it.

So I’m getting off of work and rushing to make my train home. A little explanation here, I have to take a certain line because it is the only one that services the stop next to my apartment. If I miss it, I could be in for a 10 minute wait. Going to work? Not so big a deal. Coming home? No way was I missing that train. I rush down the escalator, my laptop wildly swinging behind me, threatening to take out all of the elderly people clutching to the railing (it’s a pretty steep escalator). I vault down to the platform where my train comes in. If I had a pommel horse, I’m pretty sure it would have rated at least a 7/10.

My train was just about to shut its doors so I stuck my foot in the door. It was at this point that I learned that the Metro doors are NOT PRESSURE SENSITIVE. They shut like a vise grip on my foot, there was that much pressure on it. I let out a stream of curses that would make the devil blush. The people on the train are staring at me like I was crazy. I could see the exact thought that was running through their mind: “F****** tourist”. It was humiliating. Finally, after much prying and prodding, I wrenched my foot out of the door and the doors shut.

Predictably, this was just in time for a gaggle of other Metro riders to form up behind me, whom I promptly crashed into. My laptop went flying, there were curses, I’m pretty sure I saw a shoe go tumbling somewhere, complete disaster. My own shoe was obviously pretty disgusting at this point, as the Metro doors are not the cleanest pieces of equipment in the world. Disheveled and dirty, I slowly gathered up my shattered possessions (including my dignity) and slunk off to a corner to wait for the next train.

What is the moral of the story?

1. The Metro doors are NOT PRESSURE SENSITIVE. I cannot stress this enough.
2. There’s always something new to learn riding on the Metro.
3. I hate those freaking tourists.

Three new articles today (one involving hair, hence the title), check it out:

• Check out the first part in our Tales of the Metro series for a “hair-raising” experience (I slay myself).
• Want to embed a Microsoft Word document in a Microsoft Access table?  See the new article on How to Embed a Document in Microsoft Access.
• The next part of our “Surviving a Meeting” series is here! Take a look at Surviving a Formal Meeting - Part II for tips on how to act once your in the meeting.

As always, feel free to comment on these articles or send us feedback via the Contact Us page.  We want to hear from you!

The doors slam shut as you barely make it in.  You are suddenly shoved against 75 other people as the train lurches forward.  The ”pleasant” musk of your fellow passengers fills the air as the air conditioning breaks down and any air flow in the car goes dead.  On the upside, you only have another 45 minutes before you get a seat. 

Does this sound familiar?  You guessed it, I’m talking about public transportation.  A large portion of the nation’s workforce use public transportation on a daily basis to commute to and from work.  The sheer variety of the people who ride public transportation gives rise to a fertile breeding ground for hilarity.  In particular, I’m going to talk about some funny happenings on the Washington, D.C Metro system but I’m sure these could be adapted to any number of cities.  This will be the first article in many, as I have a treasure trove of these bad boys stored up.  Now, on to the show.

One day I’m waiting for my train to come, business as usual.  While I wait for the train, I begin to wander, people watching.  It never ceases to amaze me all the different kinds of people who ride the Metro.  Anyways, I see a few other business people, nothing special, when a lady with extremely long hair sidles up next to me to wait for the train.  I begin to ponder: “Where does she work?”  “Who wears their hair that long?”  “Do Johnson & Johnson sponsor her hair?” “Could I get somebody to sponsor my hair?”  “Where is the nearest Burger King?”.

The train comes, we both get on.  It’s pretty packed, I get stuck in the middle, and she ends up having to lean right up against the door.  The doors close, and the train begins to move.  I happen to look in her direction, and I see something funny.  She is really close to the door, not just packed close, but like she was glued to it.  Upon closer inspection, I notice that she has a pained look on her face, and her head was bumping against the door every few seconds.  Then it hit me:  She had her HAIR stuck in the door.  It must have happened because she was so close to the door when it closed.  I started to chuckle.

Wait, before you yell at me, I know it had to hurt, but I mean, come on, her HAIR was stuck in the door!  How often does that happen?  Heck, she could cut her hair you know…wait…I just started to laugh again…ok I’m better now.  Lucky for her, the Metro stops are generally close together, so she only had to endure it for a few minutes.  At the next stop, she jetted out of the door like a jack rabbit, I assume to go wash her hair since the Metro doors are pretty nasty.

Check back for more Tales of the Metro in the following weeks.