There is an unspoken rule when using the elevator: Let the people who are on the elevator get off before you get on. We don’t think about it, we don’t talk about it, but it’s there never the less. It’s taken for granted that EVERYBODY will abide by this rule. The question becomes, what happens when they don’t?

The other day a buddy of mine and I were taking the elevator back up to our office, after a rousing trip to Safeway (otherwise known as: hey, we’ve been at work for five minutes, we need a break). As we get to our floor, the elevator doors open. Suddenly, the person waiting to use the elevator WALKS IN. We’re both stopped in mid-stride, confused and bewildered. Are we on the right floor? Are we at work? Have we slipped into a parallel universe where the laws of the office don’t apply?!?! All these questions raced through our minds. We barely made it out into the hallway before the elevator doors closed.

Shaken, we stumbled back to our office, discussing the matter. It had to be a one time thing. Lo and behold, the next day it happened to me again. This time however, the person had a crapload of PACKAGES, making it almost impossible for me to get out. What the hell is that all about? Who does that? They had to know nobody could get out when they walked in. I couldn’t believe it. In my head, I told them off. In reality, I said “Excuse me..”.

Over the past few weeks this seems to be happening more and more often, like that first incident opened the floodgates. What rule will be the next to follow? Waiting in line for the water cooler? There would be water and fists everywhere! We must take it upon ourselves to educate out co-workers before chaos reigns, and NOBODY passes the cake down at the next office party!

There are two languages spoken at work. On the one hand, you have the language that you hear. On the other, you have what you really think. So how do you translate between the two?

Here are 10 “work phrases” that I use at the office, and what I’m actually thinking when I say them.

• What you hear: I understand your point, but I think that (x) is a better way to go.
  What I’m thinking: What the hell are you talking about? Do we work on the same project? Yeah, I guess we could go your way, but then I might as well start working on a way to fix it now.

• What you hear: Sure, we can push the deadline up.
  What I’m thinking: You heartless bastard. If I had known I was dealing with Satan, I would have brought my crucifix.

• What you hear: Yeah, I can analyze that for you and get you the results before the end of the day.
  What I’m thinking: I was thinking about skipping lunch anyways, so this just seals the deal. I’m going to go to the bathroom right now, because I won’t be leaving my desk until sundown.

• What you hear: 5:00 is no problem, we can meet then.
  What I’m thinking: No, its ok, I had my jacket on because it’s cold in here. You know what, I think I’ll just sleep here since it’ll take me about 6 hours to get home with the traffic I’m going to hit now. Oh, by the way, I just died a little bit inside.

• What you hear: No problem (name), I can help you out with that.
  What I’m thinking: This is great. I was just sitting here playing that Indian knife game, but helping you is slightly more fun. Even better, maybe we can hang out later and I can drink the pain away.

• What you hear: We can go to that Chinese place for lunch.
  What I’m thinking: You know, this is really a stroke of luck. They just remodeled the men’s restroom, and I’ve been meaning to check out. Now I’ll be able to examine it all afternoon.

• What you hear: Sure, I can work the weekend again.
  What I’m thinking: I’m going to hire someone to give you the clap.

• What you hear: This needs some serious revision.
  What I’m thinking: I’m firing you and hiring the monkeys back. I don’t care how much it costs us in typewriters and cigarettes.

• What you hear:I’m not sure we’re going to make our deadline.
  What I’m thinking: I haven’t slept in three days. I think Jim is dead, but I haven’t been able to leave my cubicle to check. It’s all getting a bit fuzzy…….flying monkeys would be awesome, I would definitely pay to see them…….Did you say something?

• What you hear: Changed the requirements? It’s ok, we can incorporate those changes into the design.
  What I’m thinking: Wow. Is it wrong to want to strangle someone with your bare hands? Maybe I’ll wear gloves, less traceable, but I don’t think I would get the same sense of accomplishment.

Ah, the wonders of modern technology. Went to see the doctor, she prescribed me some fantastic medication, now I’m on my way to full recovery. In celebration, I have written two new articles, see below:

• Since I haven’t published a Humor article in a while, I thought that it would be a good idea. The result is a personally embarrassing story, see it here: Tales of the Metro: Watch the Feet!.
• See Basic Excel Functions - SUM, for a quick how-to on using one of the most commonly used Microsoft Excel functions, SUM.

To continue in our “Tales of the Metro” series, I thought I would share a story that is personally embarrassing on many levels.

I had just moved to DC, and had been riding the Metro for about 2 weeks. Obviously, this made me a professional Metro rider. Not only did I know the Metro system inside and out, but I could also look down my nose at those “tourists” who always got in the way of real Metro riders. How wrong was I? Let’s just say that “exponentially” doesn’t begin to cover it.

So I’m getting off of work and rushing to make my train home. A little explanation here, I have to take a certain line because it is the only one that services the stop next to my apartment. If I miss it, I could be in for a 10 minute wait. Going to work? Not so big a deal. Coming home? No way was I missing that train. I rush down the escalator, my laptop wildly swinging behind me, threatening to take out all of the elderly people clutching to the railing (it’s a pretty steep escalator). I vault down to the platform where my train comes in. If I had a pommel horse, I’m pretty sure it would have rated at least a 7/10.

My train was just about to shut its doors so I stuck my foot in the door. It was at this point that I learned that the Metro doors are NOT PRESSURE SENSITIVE. They shut like a vise grip on my foot, there was that much pressure on it. I let out a stream of curses that would make the devil blush. The people on the train are staring at me like I was crazy. I could see the exact thought that was running through their mind: “F****** tourist”. It was humiliating. Finally, after much prying and prodding, I wrenched my foot out of the door and the doors shut.

Predictably, this was just in time for a gaggle of other Metro riders to form up behind me, whom I promptly crashed into. My laptop went flying, there were curses, I’m pretty sure I saw a shoe go tumbling somewhere, complete disaster. My own shoe was obviously pretty disgusting at this point, as the Metro doors are not the cleanest pieces of equipment in the world. Disheveled and dirty, I slowly gathered up my shattered possessions (including my dignity) and slunk off to a corner to wait for the next train.

What is the moral of the story?

1. The Metro doors are NOT PRESSURE SENSITIVE. I cannot stress this enough.
2. There’s always something new to learn riding on the Metro.
3. I hate those freaking tourists.

Three new articles today (one involving hair, hence the title), check it out:

• Check out the first part in our Tales of the Metro series for a “hair-raising” experience (I slay myself).
• Want to embed a Microsoft Word document in a Microsoft Access table?  See the new article on How to Embed a Document in Microsoft Access.
• The next part of our “Surviving a Meeting” series is here! Take a look at Surviving a Formal Meeting - Part II for tips on how to act once your in the meeting.

As always, feel free to comment on these articles or send us feedback via the Contact Us page.  We want to hear from you!

The doors slam shut as you barely make it in.  You are suddenly shoved against 75 other people as the train lurches forward.  The ”pleasant” musk of your fellow passengers fills the air as the air conditioning breaks down and any air flow in the car goes dead.  On the upside, you only have another 45 minutes before you get a seat. 

Does this sound familiar?  You guessed it, I’m talking about public transportation.  A large portion of the nation’s workforce use public transportation on a daily basis to commute to and from work.  The sheer variety of the people who ride public transportation gives rise to a fertile breeding ground for hilarity.  In particular, I’m going to talk about some funny happenings on the Washington, D.C Metro system but I’m sure these could be adapted to any number of cities.  This will be the first article in many, as I have a treasure trove of these bad boys stored up.  Now, on to the show.

One day I’m waiting for my train to come, business as usual.  While I wait for the train, I begin to wander, people watching.  It never ceases to amaze me all the different kinds of people who ride the Metro.  Anyways, I see a few other business people, nothing special, when a lady with extremely long hair sidles up next to me to wait for the train.  I begin to ponder: “Where does she work?”  “Who wears their hair that long?”  “Do Johnson & Johnson sponsor her hair?” “Could I get somebody to sponsor my hair?”  “Where is the nearest Burger King?”.

The train comes, we both get on.  It’s pretty packed, I get stuck in the middle, and she ends up having to lean right up against the door.  The doors close, and the train begins to move.  I happen to look in her direction, and I see something funny.  She is really close to the door, not just packed close, but like she was glued to it.  Upon closer inspection, I notice that she has a pained look on her face, and her head was bumping against the door every few seconds.  Then it hit me:  She had her HAIR stuck in the door.  It must have happened because she was so close to the door when it closed.  I started to chuckle.

Wait, before you yell at me, I know it had to hurt, but I mean, come on, her HAIR was stuck in the door!  How often does that happen?  Heck, she could cut her hair you know…wait…I just started to laugh again…ok I’m better now.  Lucky for her, the Metro stops are generally close together, so she only had to endure it for a few minutes.  At the next stop, she jetted out of the door like a jack rabbit, I assume to go wash her hair since the Metro doors are pretty nasty.

Check back for more Tales of the Metro in the following weeks.

Check out the new article under Humor for a good laugh (at my expense of course), and under Microsoft PowerPoint for the first part of a beginners tutorial on using Microsoft PowerPoint.

Just had this experience today and wanted to share it with you, I found it pretty embarrassing but funny at the same time. I think it illustrates how we rely too much on redialing.

To preface this story, my fiancé works at a building where when a call is made from there, the caller ID displayed is not the phone number of the caller, but the generic front desk for the building. I think you can probably see where this is going…..

So I’m driving home from getting my haircut, it’s a beautiful day out and I’m jamming to my excellent collection of 90’s dance music (which is probably another article entirely). My cell phone rings, I just miss it as I only heard the last ring (I have a ‘96 Toyota Corolla, so obviously my sound system is top of the line, and I have to blast it). I was expecting a call from my fiancé, so I didn’t bother to check the caller ID and instead just redialed the last number to call. The conversation went something like this:

Operator: Hello, *name of business here*, how may I assist you?
Me: MONKEEYYYYYYYYY……

*Short explanation here, in order of the questions I think you have:

1. The operator sounds A LOT like my fiancé, so I thought she might be playing a joke.
2. MONKEY refers to an inside joke between us.

*end explanation, conversation continues*

Operator: Eh, hey.
Me: Wasupppp….
Operator: Hmm..not much…
Me (starting to catch on): “Pause”….Emily?
Operator: Nope, I think you have the wrong number.
Me: Ah, I see….well then……sorry about that…(awkward pause)
*click*

What is the lesson here? ALWAYS check before you dial a number, you never know who you’ll be calling MONKEY at the other end of the line.

Ah lunch. The one time during the day that we DON’T have to be at work while the sun is up. It can be a very relaxing and calming experience. A good meal, shooting the breeze with some friends, very therapeutic.

However, there is nothing that ruins a lunch more than an annoying “Lunch Buddy”. These are the people that shatter any hope for having a restful and fulfilling lunch. The following are some common characteristics of the Lunch Buddy:

• Talks non stop about topics nobody wants to hear about.

• Extremely picky about their food selection and makes everyone go where THEY want to go.

• Awful eating habits (example: extremely loud chewing, super messy, etc.)

Sound familiar? Chances are, you’ve come across at least of few of these people at your work. Most of the time, they mean well, but that doesn’t change the fact that your oasis of time around noon everyday is constantly ruined by them.

It can be pretty hard to ditch these kind of people around lunch time, since they are always on the lookout to see who is going to lunch. You don’t want to be rude, so you just can’t say “Well Jim, we’d love to have you along, but every time I see you eat I want to throw up and never eat again. So, you can’t come”. As much as you’d like to, this is not an option.

Fear not, all hope is not lost, here are some suggestions on how to keep a good working relationship with these people but enjoy yourself at lunch at the same time:

• Use instant messenger (IM) to communicate your lunch plans. The less that is spoken, the less they’ll know about.

• Don’t leave in a big group to go to lunch. Slowly, one at a time, wander away from your desk and meet up at central point far enough away so the Lunch Buddy can’t see you gathering.

• Actually suck it up and invite them to lunch once and awhile. This will ease any suspicions they have that you are actually ditching them. You also have a 50/50 chance of them saying that they can’t go, which is pretty much win-win for you.

• Pick a place they don’t like to go. This is usually a good option, but sometimes they will try to haggle with you and most likely someone in your lunch group will fold and agree to go with them.

• Eat lunch later than the usual “lunch time”. This is purely dependent on your schedule, but if you can get away with it, it’s a pretty good bet the Lunch Buddy has eaten lunch already. Try for a 1:30 lunch if you can hold out, or go early like at 11:00.

You can always use a combination of the above techniques, to try to raise your chances at success. Using 1 and 2 together is a good way to go, and it’s something that I have done before with great success.

Taking a little extra time to plan your lunch can save you hours of wasted lunch opportunities. Now go free yourself from your Lunch Buddy today!