Monday…the one day of the week that everybody agrees is the worst day of the week. Everybody that is except me. Oh sure, Monday is no walk in the park, and it’s no Friday, but I think there is a day more sinister, more diabolical, and more insidious than Monday. What day could this be? Brace yourself: It’s Wednesday. I’ll give you a second to pull yourself together.

That’s right, in my opinion, Wednesday is the worst day of the week. It’s so evil that it slips under most people’s radar, just because it’s in the middle of the work week. Don’t be fooled though, it is the worst day of the week. To prove it, I present the following three reasons (in no particular order):

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There is an unspoken rule when using the elevator: Let the people who are on the elevator get off before you get on. We don’t think about it, we don’t talk about it, but it’s there never the less. It’s taken for granted that EVERYBODY will abide by this rule. The question becomes, what happens when they don’t?

The other day a buddy of mine and I were taking the elevator back up to our office, after a rousing trip to Safeway (otherwise known as: hey, we’ve been at work for five minutes, we need a break). As we get to our floor, the elevator doors open. Suddenly, the person waiting to use the elevator WALKS IN. We’re both stopped in mid-stride, confused and bewildered. Are we on the right floor? Are we at work? Have we slipped into a parallel universe where the laws of the office don’t apply?!?! All these questions raced through our minds. We barely made it out into the hallway before the elevator doors closed.

Shaken, we stumbled back to our office, discussing the matter. It had to be a one time thing. Lo and behold, the next day it happened to me again. This time however, the person had a crapload of PACKAGES, making it almost impossible for me to get out. What the hell is that all about? Who does that? They had to know nobody could get out when they walked in. I couldn’t believe it. In my head, I told them off. In reality, I said “Excuse me..”.

Over the past few weeks this seems to be happening more and more often, like that first incident opened the floodgates. What rule will be the next to follow? Waiting in line for the water cooler? There would be water and fists everywhere! We must take it upon ourselves to educate out co-workers before chaos reigns, and NOBODY passes the cake down at the next office party!

There are two languages spoken at work. On the one hand, you have the language that you hear. On the other, you have what you really think. So how do you translate between the two?

Here are 10 “work phrases” that I use at the office, and what I’m actually thinking when I say them.

• What you hear: I understand your point, but I think that (x) is a better way to go.
  What I’m thinking: What the hell are you talking about? Do we work on the same project? Yeah, I guess we could go your way, but then I might as well start working on a way to fix it now.

• What you hear: Sure, we can push the deadline up.
  What I’m thinking: You heartless bastard. If I had known I was dealing with Satan, I would have brought my crucifix.

• What you hear: Yeah, I can analyze that for you and get you the results before the end of the day.
  What I’m thinking: I was thinking about skipping lunch anyways, so this just seals the deal. I’m going to go to the bathroom right now, because I won’t be leaving my desk until sundown.

• What you hear: 5:00 is no problem, we can meet then.
  What I’m thinking: No, its ok, I had my jacket on because it’s cold in here. You know what, I think I’ll just sleep here since it’ll take me about 6 hours to get home with the traffic I’m going to hit now. Oh, by the way, I just died a little bit inside.

• What you hear: No problem (name), I can help you out with that.
  What I’m thinking: This is great. I was just sitting here playing that Indian knife game, but helping you is slightly more fun. Even better, maybe we can hang out later and I can drink the pain away.

• What you hear: We can go to that Chinese place for lunch.
  What I’m thinking: You know, this is really a stroke of luck. They just remodeled the men’s restroom, and I’ve been meaning to check out. Now I’ll be able to examine it all afternoon.

• What you hear: Sure, I can work the weekend again.
  What I’m thinking: I’m going to hire someone to give you the clap.

• What you hear: This needs some serious revision.
  What I’m thinking: I’m firing you and hiring the monkeys back. I don’t care how much it costs us in typewriters and cigarettes.

• What you hear:I’m not sure we’re going to make our deadline.
  What I’m thinking: I haven’t slept in three days. I think Jim is dead, but I haven’t been able to leave my cubicle to check. It’s all getting a bit fuzzy…….flying monkeys would be awesome, I would definitely pay to see them…….Did you say something?

• What you hear: Changed the requirements? It’s ok, we can incorporate those changes into the design.
  What I’m thinking: Wow. Is it wrong to want to strangle someone with your bare hands? Maybe I’ll wear gloves, less traceable, but I don’t think I would get the same sense of accomplishment.