At most workplaces today, each employee is required to have some kind of ID badge. Usually worn on a lanyard or clip, it has to be on your person at all times and can also be used to access certain areas of the office, or even provide access to the office itself. Essentially, they have become integral to our everyday routine. Here’s the kicker: Because they are so important to you, they almost always are difficult to replace. Following that logic, because they are so difficult to replace, it is inevitable at some point that you will lose yours. This brings us to the subject of this post: Funny ways to lose your badge.

Read the rest of this entry »

There is a disturbing trend developing that is so insidious, so nefarious, and so EVIL that it seems to be flying under most good citizens radar. What could it possibly be? Do we need a young priest and an old priest? Does it live at Camp Crystal Lake? (Time to build more suspense)….

(Building…)

(Building……)

(BUILDING……..)

The trend that I’m talking about is when guys tuck their shirt into their pants and don’t wear a belt. I felt dirty just writing that.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Conference Call is a universal staple of almost any workplace. They happen often, and can range from being inconsequential to being the most important event in your universe. This leads to literally thousands of situations that can arise, some of which are bound to be funny.

With this in mind, I’d like to present the following conference call bloopers:

Read the rest of this entry »

Nope, I’m not talking about the movie here. Instead, I’d like to pose a question: Why would a host or hostess EVER seat customers next to a table with a crying baby when the restaurant was empty? Does this make any sense? I ask this because it happened to me last night.

Read the rest of this entry »

Monday…the one day of the week that everybody agrees is the worst day of the week. Everybody that is except me. Oh sure, Monday is no walk in the park, and it’s no Friday, but I think there is a day more sinister, more diabolical, and more insidious than Monday. What day could this be? Brace yourself: It’s Wednesday. I’ll give you a second to pull yourself together.

That’s right, in my opinion, Wednesday is the worst day of the week. It’s so evil that it slips under most people’s radar, just because it’s in the middle of the work week. Don’t be fooled though, it is the worst day of the week. To prove it, I present the following three reasons (in no particular order):

Read the rest of this entry »

The telemarketer is like athletes foot. You can make it subside for awhile, but it usually returns with a vengeance. However, this doesn’t mean that you can’t get back at them with a bit of their own medicine. Here are some schemes you can use for your own personal revenge:

The Gangster

Them: Hi, may I speak to Mr…(pause to mispronounce your name) Smizatzr (real name: smith)?
You: I’m surprised you have the balls to call me.
Them: ….(goes bravely into their pitch anyways)…I’d like to let you know about this great new product….
You: Stop stalling, nobody stiffs Jimmy Two Fingers and gets away with it.
Them: …ummm…yeah….it’s a new satellite radio that……
You: You know what happens if I don’t get my money….
Them: (utterly confused)…..Sir, I don’t have your money, I’m just selling…
You: YOU DON”T HAVE MY MONEY???!#!@#$ That’s it, I’m coming over there (click).

Read the rest of this entry »

Before I delve into this story, I have one question for you: How long do you think it takes for the sun to fade your car’s paint? Keep the answer in the back of your mind, you’ll need it later.

The car wash is a magical, mystifying place, steeped in mystery and puzzles….wait…no it’s not…it’s a freaking car wash. It doesn’t get much simpler than the car wash, and the most simple type of car wash is the Automatic Gas Station Car Wash. You pull up, pay for your wash, and then pull into the wash when directed. Gives you a headache just thinking about it, right?

Read the rest of this entry »

Out of all the things that could happen when you’re walking home from work, what do you think is the LEAST likely out of this list:

1. Dog attack
2. Splashed by a car
3. Bird crapping on your head

Oh wait, is one of those choices HIGHLIGHTED? Yes, that’s right, highlighted. Why? Because it is so improbable that it is the obvious choice. Do you see where I’m going with this? Let me spell it out for those who missed it:

Walking home from work today, a bird crapped on my head

I’ll set the scene: I’m walking home from work, enjoying the nice day outside. It’s about a 15 minute walk from my work to my apartment, so it’s not too bad. I’d also like to point out that I usually snag a ride from my fiancé to and from work (feel free to boo me at this point, but it’s on her way =) ).

Anyways, I’m strolling along like a sucker, about five minutes into my walk, when IT happens. Now, it’s important to realize that when you get crapped on by a bird, you may not realize it immediately. It can almost feel like a drop of water hit you. The last thing you think just happen is that you got crapped on. What are the chances I ask you?

Back to the story, I get this feeling and the first thing I do is reach my hand up and see what’s going on. To my horror, it comes back wet and slimy. Oh yes, wet and slimy. Stunned, I keep walking. It slowly dawns on me what actually happened. If this has never happened to you, it’s pretty hard to describe how disgusting it feels. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Here’s the worst part: I work right outside of Washington DC, in a busy little town called Arlington. What does this mean? It means there were more than enough people to witness this happen. Even better, I still had a good 10 minute walk ahead of me.

When something like this happens, it feels like everybody is looking at you, even if they aren’t. Old ladies, babies, cab drivers, it felt like everybody knew of my misfortune. Waiting at a crosswalk became unbearable. I’m pretty sure that I’ve never made it home faster than I did today. Needless to say, I washed myself as quickly as possible.

Do you want to know what the worst part is (nope, haven’t gotten to it yet)? The worst part is that this is not the first time I’ve had this happen to me. When I was about 12, I was helping my dad work a sidewalk sale at our store and as I’m ringing up a satisfied customer, the same thing happened. Here’s my theory: I think that the birds decided to lay low for a while, just to throw me off my guard. Then, when I least expect it, they strike with the quickness. What’s the solution? Obviously, I’m not going to divulge it on the Internet, as the sly bastards have spies everywhere. However, I will give you one hint: It involves a hat.

I’ve been driving around the block for 20 minutes, trying to find a parking spot. I’m flying solo on this one as my co-pilot (read: fiancé) had abandoned ship to get a table at the restaurant we were going to. Losing hope, I resign myself to paying $1,000 to park in a garage (ok, maybe it wasn’t $1,000, but it wasn’t 50 cents either). Suddenly, hot cakes! A spot opens up! Swerving across three lanes of traffic, I slide my 95′ Corolla (yes, a vintage year) into the spot like my wheels moved sideways. Reveling in my victory, I saunter out of the car.

Casually, another car slides up on my six (I’m pretty sure that’s the right), and parks in the No Parking zone in front of the parked cars. The car’s emergency blinkers go on, and this guy rolls out and starts to go about his business. In total, he probably spent about 1 minute of effort to my 20. My victory deflated, I trudge off.

This is a classic case of what I’ve dubbed the Invisible Car Syndrome. People who suffer from this terrible disease think that just because they put their emergency blinkers on, their car becomes invisible and the normal laws of traffic don’t apply to them. Fire hydrant? No problem. Handicapped space? No problem. No parking? Please, with the invisible car, anything is possible! These are just a few symptoms of this disease.

How does this affect those not afflicted? For one thing, you can lose an entire traffic lane. The ICS sufferers LOVE to stop their car in the middle of a lane, put on the blinkers, and then proceed to sit there. This mostly occurs during rush hour, or when you’re actually trying to get somewhere on time. Honking, name calling, the infamous “bird”, none of this will sway them to move.

Another example: Stopping in a turn lane. This is great because, hell, you didn’t want to turn their anyway, you probably should have just taken another route. Who are we to complain when they might actually have to LOWER themselves to the common man’s level to find a parking space. Once again, this seems to happen mostly when you can’t afford it to.

Does this sound familiar to you? If you’re starting to get angry, I have third example that will put you over the edge into rage: Stopping in a one way, one lane street. I can’t contain it anymore, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT? They obviously realize that no one can get by them, and yet they don’t seem to care. Is it against the law to bulldoze a car if you rent the bulldozer? This is how angry I get when this happens.

If you haven’t noticed, the tone of this article has gotten progressively angrier as I’ve been writing. This is because I’m getting angry just thinking about these things. Now imagine when they happen. Indescribable. If you have this disease, you better lose it quick, otherwise a rented bulldozer might just show up one day with a driver foaming at the mouth, and I can’t guarantee if there’s going to be anything left of your Mini-Cooper when I’m done with it.

There is an unspoken rule when using the elevator: Let the people who are on the elevator get off before you get on. We don’t think about it, we don’t talk about it, but it’s there never the less. It’s taken for granted that EVERYBODY will abide by this rule. The question becomes, what happens when they don’t?

The other day a buddy of mine and I were taking the elevator back up to our office, after a rousing trip to Safeway (otherwise known as: hey, we’ve been at work for five minutes, we need a break). As we get to our floor, the elevator doors open. Suddenly, the person waiting to use the elevator WALKS IN. We’re both stopped in mid-stride, confused and bewildered. Are we on the right floor? Are we at work? Have we slipped into a parallel universe where the laws of the office don’t apply?!?! All these questions raced through our minds. We barely made it out into the hallway before the elevator doors closed.

Shaken, we stumbled back to our office, discussing the matter. It had to be a one time thing. Lo and behold, the next day it happened to me again. This time however, the person had a crapload of PACKAGES, making it almost impossible for me to get out. What the hell is that all about? Who does that? They had to know nobody could get out when they walked in. I couldn’t believe it. In my head, I told them off. In reality, I said “Excuse me..”.

Over the past few weeks this seems to be happening more and more often, like that first incident opened the floodgates. What rule will be the next to follow? Waiting in line for the water cooler? There would be water and fists everywhere! We must take it upon ourselves to educate out co-workers before chaos reigns, and NOBODY passes the cake down at the next office party!